A Hard Read

I want to talk about an issue close to me, it's not really about children or parenting, although this does talk about pregnancy, I guess it'll be a hard read for some, some opinions on me might change, but it's something I need to be open about because I think I've kept this pretty closed off for a while but I don't know, it's about time I spoke about it openly and not feel ashamed by it.
When I was 15 (just about to turn 16) till I was 18 I was a victim of domestic abuse.I met a guy online (think it was MySpace), it was kind of a rush relationship, the day we met he moved into my mums because he was about to be kicked out by his mother, so mum and I took him in and we became a couple because we'd been into each other for a while before hand, anyway, at the start he was lovely, sold his guitar to buy me lots of flowers and a cute teddy, walked me to school every day, was good to me, weeks went by of us not really having any money so we were cooped up together in the house without much time apart from each other, I remember the turning point of where things started going from eugh to completely soul destroying.
I'd just turned 16, I'd also just fallen pregnant.
I didn't really know what to do, I told him, he was in shock.He then spent a few days convincing me that we shouldn't have a baby, he didn't want to ruin his life, I'd be a shit mum.
He told me he'd kill the baby with his bare hands if I gave birth.
So what choice did I have?
We went to the doctors and I had to sit there and I had to lie about wanting to murder my own child, I had to tell the doctor I didn't want this creature inside of me. I must have played a blinder because the doctor agreed to let me abort the baby.
I had to face the hospital appointment with my mum, he refused to come and went round to his friends for drinks.
I have never forgiven myself for murdering that baby. I wanted that baby, yes I was young, crazy young, but I could have looked after that baby and brought it up properly,
I remember him starting to comment about my weight (even though I was only a size 14), little snide comments here and there, I ignored him, he then moved on to making comments about my friends, saying how he didn't like them and didn't like it when I went to hang with them, eventually he convinced me I didn't need to see them and that I only needed his company.
It then went to him forcing me to ask a friend of mine for a threesome, I didn't really want to, but we had the threesome but as I had to leave halfway through as I had at that point got a job, he continued to sleep with her. He then continued to pester me to ask her to sleep with him whilst I wasn't there, I didn't want to but he made me feel like I wasn't enough for him, at this point in the relationship I was so convinced I couldn't live without him I had to do whatever it took to keep him. Luckily my friend didn't take him up on his offers.
I fell pregnant for a second time not that long after the first. He didn't like contraception (if you hadn't guessed), I didn't really know how to tell him, I managed to avoid telling him for about 17 weeks. My thinking was that if I didn't tell him I could keep the baby, hopefully he'd leave me and everything was ok.
Unfortunately that wasn't the case, he figured out I was pregnant and he went through the same threats, but throwing in he'd beat it out of me and whatnot.
Our local hospital wouldn't let me have an abortion at their place so I had to go all the way to Doncaster for one.

My mum had to drive us down to the clinic, she couldn't afford a hotel that night so she had to sleep in her car outside the clinic window, I was scared for her.
I remember having an ultrasound scan for them to check how far gone I was. I saw the baby. They didn't know the sex. When they told me I was about 17 weeks bile rose to the back of my throat, I wanted to run out of that building but I was just too scared. I felt stupid for thinking I could have kept this baby, thinking that for once things could have gone my way.
I had the two tablets placed inside me and waited.

I went through so much pain that night. It was pretty much like giving birth I was told. I was offered pain relief, but I refused it. I felt like I should suffer because of what I was doing, why should I get off scot free?
I remember being in the bathroom when I passed the fetus. I couldn't look at it. The nurses took it away and I was just left there. I sat in the shower and cried.
I remember getting home the next day and he wasn't even in, he'd gone out. I really hoped he never came home.
But he did.
A few months later he tickled me, I accidentally kicked him in the leg out of reflex, and that's pretty much when the violence started.
He got me to the floor, he looked down at me for a moment then I saw him reach out for his drink (strongbow) and he poured it all over me. He then punched me in the arm and kicked me in the stomach.
He then went downstairs, I got up and like a fool followed him and told him I was sorry.
I should never have said that word. Sorry. None of his attitude or behavior was my fault. I realize this now. He then went out.
Things kind of went from bad to worse quickly, he used a lot of mind control over me, it got to the point where he refused to let me eat. He didn't like me a size 14, so forced me to go on a liquid diet, I lost four stone in 4 months. My hair started falling out and I got very ill, almost to the point of being hospitalized.

He then got his work visa for Canada (his dad lived there and he wanted to move to where his dad was), he left for Canada a few weeks before I joined him, he needed to get 'settled' first before I came out.
When I did get out there with him, he was nice to me for the first few days, but eventually he went back to his old ways.
There was several times he locked me outside on the balcony, in the rain.
There were times where he forced me to pack my suitcases back up and he'd throw me out of the flat.
I remember one time I was hiding in the bathroom from him because I was so scared, he put his fist through the door.
I remember falling over in the street because my shoe slipped off and he stood there towering above me, insulting me.

Then there was a moment whilst he was at work, I was looking for his camera wire so I could upload some photos of us online, I looked in the camera box and found two thongs. They weren't mine.
That was a turning point for me, I thought about everything he'd done to me, all the shit I went through, to find that sometime during only three weeks of him moving to another country, me leaving my family and whatever friends I had left behind, he'd managed to cheat on me again (there had been at least 12 other instances I haven't mentioned).
I confronted him with the thongs. He made me feel like I deserved to be cheated on again.
But enough was enough, I was tired, tired of being someones punching bag, tired of the lies.
I told him I wanted to go home.

We rebooked my return tickets, but they couldn't get me on another flight for a week.
After we booked my flight home he went indoors (we were round his dads at this point), I went into the garden and I phoned my mother and I told her everything that he'd done to me. I was in tears at that point, I wanted my mummy, I wanted my home.
As I went back inside the house he asked my why I was crying, I lied and told him my nan had died, I was hoping that he'd leave me alone for the 10 days as he knew I'd be upset but once again I was so wrong.
It got to my final night in Canada, I'd had a shower and was ready for bed.
He came into the bedroom and told me that we should have sex together for the last time.
I said no.
But that word didn't seem to process through his mind.
I don't want to call it rape. It's such a strong word. But those who I have told in the past have all told me it was. I gave up saying no many times that night and just layed there.
I eventually got on that flight home.
I cried so much.
I remember getting off the plane, I was a total mess but I didn't care.
I ran into my mums arms and cried even more.
We eventually got home after a four hour drive.
I couldn't sleep in my bedroom because it reminded me of everything I'd been through for the past two and a half years.

Mum and I spent time sorting out everything, we redecorated that whole room.
I signed up for college, made new friends, made a whole new life.
I did tell the police everything that happened to me.
They didn't do anything.
Part of me wants to still take him to court and make him pay for the hell I went through, but just like my old childminder I only have my word for it, I'd never get any justice.
What I went through is something I will never get over. I will never forget my aborted children, I still have a scan picture of the second one. I still love them with all of my heart and if I could turn back time I would. I have learnt so much going through all that.

I guess my purpose of this blog is to show there is a light at the end of the tunnel, if you're going through something like this whether male or female, tell someone, run away, you do not deserve to go through hell.

I am now a strong woman though and I have a beautiful family and I'm finally with someone who actually loves me and would never hurt me.

Here are a few phone numbers and websites if you need help;

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
National Domestic Violence Helpline - 0808 2000 247
http://www.refuge.org.uk/
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse


























This was my favourite photo from when I was in Canada. This was taken by the person I was in the relationship with.
I was not on the inflatable boat we bought because I didn't want to be near him, I made the excuse of I wanted to read.
I did a lot of reading in Canada, mainly so I wouldn't have to talk to him, so I could escape reality, so I could be alone, it got me through a lot, the library where I got the books out from was my safety place, I could go there and feel safe.
I was sat under that tree watching my partner at the time really hoping he'd just drown, that I could get a front row view of it, I felt somewhat safe because he was out on the water and I was on land.

***

A small update from 2016 - I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of everything I went through, you can read my blog about getting diagnosed here.
You can also read about what it's like living with PTSD here.
This Mum's Life

Comments

  1. Oh my god. I have no words for you other than a big, inadequate internet-weirdy *hug*. What an experience and you are so brave to write about it. I am so sad that you went through all that but I can see you have come out of it even stronger and with a lovely family xxx #twinklytuesday

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    1. I like awkward internet hugs =]
      Thank you, I just hope others can get help when they need it x

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  2. You're right, this was a hard read, but nowhere NEAR as hard as it must have been to live it! You are an incredibly brave woman for putting an end to the relationship and I am so glad you have found your well deserved happy ending! #twinkletuesdays

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  3. I cannot begin to imagine how hard this was to write. I also cannot begin to imagine how horrendous this was to go through, because whilst yes it is a hard read, and I was almost in tears for you, I don't think your words can really reflect how truly horrific this was to live through. I am so sorry that you had to abort your darling babies and I am so sorry that you had to spend two and half years with this evil person. I am so glad though that you got out, that you got away, and that you met your lovely man and had your lovely family. This must have been so hard to write but I am so thankful that you have linked it up with our #TwinklyTuesday linky so that others who may be going through this can see that there is a way out.

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  4. What a moving post. I really hope that reading this will help others too. Well done for having the courage to post this. #bestandworst

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  5. This was a hard read, but a very important one and you are so brave for sharing. I'm so glad you have a partner now who is supportive and can make you happy. I hope that your courage in continuing to share this post will prevent someone else from having to endure anything similar. #bestandworst

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  6. What a strong person you are to write this post. You have been to hell and back and although you aborted your 2 childen, you in some way protected them from such an evil person. I am so glad you found the strength to leave and have found happiness with your family. This story is an inspiration to anyone else trapped in an abusive relationship. Thank you so much for linking this to #bestandworst xxx hugs x

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    1. Thank you ever so much <3 your words mean a lot to me x

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  7. This is both an inspiring post and heartbreaking post, what alot to go through I'm so glad that you have now found your happy :-) Thanks so much for linking up such a heartfelt post to #bestandworst and hope to see you again next week!

    Helen X

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  8. Such a brave post. Well done for writing it. It was very hard to read what happened to you, but it is just so shocking that this situation happens everywhere in the world. I am so glad you got out of that relationship and are happy now. Big hugs and thank you again for being brave. xo

    #BigFatLinky

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  9. You are incredibly strong to have written this, to have survived that, and to recognize now that you have value, that everything he said to you was a lite that came from his own bullying weakness. I, too, was forced into having sex in a relationship and I, too, for years resisted the word "rape". Rape is something that happens to other people. But by owning the word, I feel like I've been able to transition from victim to survivor.

    Much love to you and yours from Texas. Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.

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  10. I really have no words other than what an awful awful thing you had to go through. Thank god you realised and got out of the situation. You should make him pay for what he has done. What an awful excuse for a human being. #MummyMonday

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  11. How incredibly strong and brave you are to have shared this post - this will not only have empowered you but also anyone undergoing a similar situation who reads it. You really have come out the other side now x x Mim x #mummymonday

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  12. You poor thing I'm so so sorry you went through such an awful time, your so brave to share your story and I hope it will help others. Thank of sharing #sundaystars

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  13. What a great post and so brave of you to have written about it. So glad that you are happy and healthy now. Kudos to you my fellow mommy.

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  14. thank you for sharing that beautiful, brave post.

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  15. This is a fantastic post! Not because of what happened but because you have written it. It's the first step. So many women and men for that matter will read this and find hope. I am sorry for what you went through and as a victim (I hate that it's said like that) of domestic abuse I can see completely why you struggled to leave but you did do it. And from that you have this beautiful journey that has now come through in to your beautiful writing. I really do hope that people read this and realise that there is hope in their darkness. Thanks for linking up with us on the #bigfatlinky hope to see you there this week

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  16. I am incredibly moved by your story, and incredibly sad that people like this man exist in this world, and bring such horror and pain into innocent peoples lives, and never see justice. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must have felt like to be forced into aborting 2 babies, my heart breaks for you. I'm sure this will help others who have been through, or are going through something similar. I'm so glad you have now found happiness, and I hope you can find lasting peace. Thanks for sharing with #bigpinklink.

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